Trusting isn’t easy and to stand here and tell you why working on the conditioned tendencies activity during the LEO retreat is important to me feels like a lot. Initially, the thought of sharing back personal ordeals with colleagues that I didn’t really know made me want to run in the opposite direction. In the spirit of being honest, it was the one moment during the retreat where I didn’t want to participate.
But ya see
I couldn’t run anymore
couldnt run from the
nightmares that I
so desperately wanted to forget
so i pretend
and take flight
i pretend
and take flight
i pretend
and take flight in my mind
where no being could ever touch me
hope to me reach me
and i program this mouth
to form the most believable smile
that i have energy for at the time
and I wait
for time to end so i can end
because i am so tired
of pretending
and the wheels just dont turn anymore
theres a glitch in the program
its time to rewrite the script
because these lines just dont suit me
these phantoms got me trippin
on that wack shit
so i had to hit that
good shit
to stay above level
I was drowning and the activity forced me to look at the phantoms that I just wanted to forget existed, but bursts of anger and the effect it was having on the people who have been my greatest support forced me to make a decision. So I spoke.
I spoke aloud memories
and laid bare
all my pain lay naked
before eyes reflective of my own
and I felt seen
See
it was not my fault
and I was loved
and I did matter
and perfection doesn’t exist
so we welcome your humanness
I was ready to heal
Understanding, forgiving and accepting. None of which I was very good at. But if you knew me as a child you would know that I yearned to learn. Even if it was hard like how this is hard. I yearned to learn and I would always at least try.
And as I’ve tried
I am the happiest I’ve ever been
I looked that girl in the mirror
and said I forgive you
i forgive you for not knowing
more than you needed to
i forgive you for loving blindly
over the fear of being alone
when I had been waiting for you
forgive you for still running
and I forgive you for taking
so long to find me
Every day in the LEO space has been rejuvenating, eye opening and reflective. When I first came to Youth Power I didn’t know I was looking for a family until they found me. Then I had to accept that it was growing when I didn’t know if I wanted it to. It grew and I learned that I could love more. When I didn’t know if I could I make it through the chaos that is Make the Road sometimes…LEO showed me the balance we could create as a unified team. For that I am grateful.
Thank You
