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LEO organizer: jaritza geigel

By July 15, 2015LEO

Trusting isn’t easy and to stand here and tell you why working on the conditioned tendencies activity during the LEO retreat is important to me feels like a lot. Initially, the thought of sharing back personal ordeals with colleagues that I didn’t really know made me want to run in the opposite direction. In the spirit of being honest, it was the one moment during the retreat where I didn’t want to participate.

But ya see
I couldn’t run anymore
couldnt run from the
nightmares that I
so desperately wanted to forget
so i pretend
and take flight
i pretend
and take flight
i pretend
and take flight in my mind
where no being could ever touch me
hope to me reach me
and i program this mouth
to form the most believable smile
that i have energy for at the time
and I wait
for time to end so i can end
because i am so tired
of pretending
and the wheels just dont turn anymore
theres a glitch in the program
its time to rewrite the script
because these lines just dont suit me
these phantoms got me trippin
on that wack shit
so i had to hit that
good shit
to stay above level

I was drowning and the activity forced me to look at the phantoms that I just wanted to forget existed, but bursts of anger and the effect it was having on the people who have been my greatest support forced me to make a decision. So I spoke.

I spoke aloud memories
and laid bare
all my pain lay naked
before eyes reflective of my own
and I felt seen
See
it was not my fault
and I was loved
and I did matter
and perfection doesn’t exist
so we welcome your humanness
I was ready to heal

Understanding, forgiving and accepting. None of which I was very good at. But if you knew me as a child you would know that I yearned to learn. Even if it was hard like how this is hard. I yearned to learn and I would always at least try.

And as I’ve tried
I am the happiest I’ve ever been
I looked that girl in the mirror
and said I forgive you
i forgive you for not knowing
more than you needed to
i forgive you for loving blindly
over the fear of being alone
when I had been waiting for you
forgive you for still running
and I forgive you for taking
so long to find me

Every day in the LEO space has been rejuvenating, eye opening and reflective. When I first came to Youth Power I didn’t know I was looking for a family until they found me. Then I had to accept that it was growing when I didn’t know if I wanted it to. It grew and I learned that I could love more. When I didn’t know if I could I make it through the chaos that is Make the Road sometimes…LEO showed me the balance we could create as a unified team. For that I am grateful.

Thank You

Jaritza Geigel

Author Jaritza Geigel

Poet. Black. Womyn. I'm constantly engaged in state of change and learning moments. I didn't have a visual for what I wanted to see so I decided to become it.

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